GPS to a Joyful Marriage

I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! I am always amazed at how quickly my favorite day of the year comes and goes. A part of me feels sad when Christmas Day ends. The anticipation and preparations are over, and worst of all, my family leaves to go back to their own homes. Back to reality. I have been talking about infidelity. What an uncomfortable word. I want to look at what the Bible says about adultery and divorce. There are many references to marrying someone else after you’ve divorced as committing adultery, but no specific verses that deal with adultery as a reason for divorce. In Matthew 19 verse 3, the Pharisees followed Jesus to Judea. They tempted Jesus with questions about divorce. In verse 3, they ask, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” Jesus answers in verses 4 and 5, “Haven’t you read that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united...

Merry Christmas! May you have a blessed holiday with your family and friends.

Yes, adultery is a heinous crime against the person you promised to love and honor.  Most people don’t intentionally seek to engage in an adulterous affair, it just happens. (There are exceptions to this rule, too, of course.) Adultery is usually a symptom of a problem in a relationship. Because men are physically based, they receive their sense of intimacy from sex. Women are emotionally based and receive their sense of intimacy through emotions. While sex is an obvious method for us to recognize, emotional intimacy comes in different shapes and sizes. Men in particular, need to learn what methods work best for their wives (spending time with them, talking to them, taking care of the children, etc.) to achieve emotional intimacy. Healthy emotional intimacy for women is foreplay to them. Men need physical intimacy (sex) to feel emotional intimacy, and women need emotional intimacy to feel like having sex. We need to recognize these differences and make sure to satisfy our spo...

With all the recent news about Tiger Woods, I feel compelled to discuss the delicate subject of infidelity. It is hard to imagine how someone who appeared to ‘have it all together,’ lived a secret life of lies and indiscretions. And not only once, but many, many times. I can see how celebrities easily become intoxicated by the adoration of fans. Tiger, no doubt, had women pursuing him relentlessly. He also spent excessive time away from his wife and family, making him more vulnerable to persistant women. Most celebrities cannot help but get caught up in their own glory and probably feel that they are above the expectations of ‘normal folk’. I’m sure Tiger had people covering his tracks for him. How else would this have stayed a secret for so long with so many women? Imagine. They ignored his sin because he was Tiger Woods. We have made such gods out of celebrities in this country that they forget they are only human. Only by the grace of God will they ever be able to kee...

I have continuously talked about the importance of watching your thoughts and your words. It occurred to me that I’ve neglected to point out the one specific word we should never allow into our consciousness - the “D” word - divorce. I believe that most people think about the option of divorce at one time or another in their marriage. That is the point that you must immediately take it captive. Don’t allow it in your thinking or ever enter into your conversation (when it pertains to your marriage).  All divorce begins as a thought in someone's head. Once you take the step of allowing that thought to enter your mind, you risk the danger of it fermenting, like a cancer, to rear it’s ugly head when you face a difficult time in your marriage. At that point, it lulls you into believing it to be the only answer for you, a way out of an unbearable situation. It is nothing less than a lie of the enemy trying to destroy your marriage and the lives of your family. What do our worl...

Reflective listening is an art that needs practice. Some of us are natural listeners, but most of us are not. Exercise listening reflectively with your spouse when you have some time to devote to each other. Do not do it when you are tired, hungry, or angry. Take turns being the listener, for at least 10 minutes, no more than 45. Wait at least an hour before changing roles. Once you feel comfortable with these new listening skills,  you will be prepared to handle any conflicts that arise. Here are some “Do’s and Don’t’s” for reflective listening. (from The Highly Sensitive Person , by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.) THE DO’S: 1. Bear yourself physically as one who is really listening. Sit up, arms and legs uncrossed. Lean forward, perhaps. Look at the other person. Do not check your watch or clock. 2. In words or tone, reflect back the actual feelings that were expressed. The factual contents are secondary and will come out as you talk - be patient. If you suspect that other feeli...

Let’s face it, men and women communicating successfully together is an amazing feat. Many factors work against us. Most men think with logic and most women think with emotion. Add to that the fact that we must carefully pick the correct words to truly express our feelings and keep the tone in our voice from relaying a different message. Hopefully, our spouse will understand the message as intended, but oftentimes their own thoughts, and feelings, and understanding, get in the way. As I’ve said before, men look at things logically and look for an immediate fix. Women work through issues, emotionally, at their own pace. (Yes, there are exceptions, the tables are sometimes turned.) Neither way is right or wrong as long as you realize your differences and take them into consideration during discussions. My husband figured it out many years ago, when after a heated discussion, I finally said to him, “Would you quit telling me your facts are more important than my feelings.” One way we...

Not taking your thoughts captive leads to the risk of not controlling your tongue. We all know how dangerous that can be. One careless word, not thought about first, can turn a conversation into a heated argument that can build a chasm between a couple. If not handled correctly, you can build enough chasms in your relationship to take you on the path that leads to divorce. Every problem we face in life, every issue we struggle with in marriage, first becomes a problem or an issue because of the thoughts we think and the words we speak. For instance, finances are the number one problem couples face these days. Do the actual finances cause the problems or the way they are discussed? We all come into marriage with preconceived ideas of how to spend money. Those ideas often conflict with the ideas our spouse brings. That is why it is important to discuss finances rationally, with positive words. When we dwell on the negative, our words become negative and our lives become negative. H...