GPS to a Joyful Marriage

My dear blogger friends. It seems I have made a terrible mistake and I ask those of you involved for forgiveness (IF you are still tuned in.) While working on my blog (making some changes - may take a while with my vague computer knowledge), I discovered a few comments that I completely missed. They all deserve responses, which I will attempt to reply to in this posting. Again, my deepest apologies. * The first one I want to address is about a young women who had a baby at 16 and married at 17, and after some infidelity on both sides, has no desire to continue her marriage. It sounds like your marriage started on a very rocky road. Your husband’s background only adds to the struggles. I highly suggest counseling for the both of you, alone, and as a couple. Email me if you can’t find anyone or can’t afford it. I would love to talk with you over the phone or see you if you live in the area. It’s difficult starting a marriage at such a young age, especially with a baby. Go...

As adults, we think of “time out” as the solution for an out-of-control child. We need to use this tactic for ourselves, also. Conversation with one’s spouse can easily escalate into confrontation. Caught in the mercy of our emotions, we often neglect to realize that turning point. With a little awareness and diligence, you can stop a conversation from heating up and leading to a battle that might leave scars. Failure to stop often brings me to a point of no return. Driven by my emotions, I become determined to win the battle. Some inner “demon” rears its ugly head to seek justice for every wrong done to me. When I allow that “demon” to take control, I lose all desire for rational behavior. I realize this behavior stems from my failure to voice my concerns before I get angry. Those unattended emotions often spiral to the point of explosion, blaming Rick for everything. I’ve come a long way from this behavior, though, and have finally discovered the benefit of expressing m...

When we read self-help books and listen to inspirational lectures, (or read the advice on this blog), everything sounds logical and practical. Applying this information, though, is not always so easy. I look at my husband, Rick, and myself. Married twenty-eight and a half years, fifteen of those that have included an active marriage ministry, and we still have our moments. Fortunately, they are less and less frequent. I can stand in front of hundreds of people and say, “When you feel the anger rising, take a break, call a time out.” Or, “watch your tone of voice. It will destroy any meaningful words you try to say.” Do I always apply this advice? Ha ha!! I certainly have the best intentions, but occasionally, usually when I’m out of sorts for one reason or the other (hormones), I don’t follow through. Thank God, I have a husband with the patience of a saint, who has stuck by me all these years and knows by now when I’m just venting on him. Uggh. I hate that we tend to...

The “Q” in TALQ stands for quality. The need to achieve high standards, quality work, and a flawless reputation are driven by the fear of making a wrong choice. People who recognize quality as their top area are very careful about making a move or saying the words that might blemish their character. That is intolerable to them. Cautious in conversation and decisions, quality people weigh their time and abilities before committing to anything. “Impulsive” is not part of their vocabulary. They resist involvement in activities or projects that they cannot complete with excellence. Quality people always want to find the right way to do things no matter how long it takes. You might label them as perfectionists. Although difficult to work with because of their need for perfection, they will achieve a high level of quality in whatever they do. Reading the Parrots definition of a cautious decision maker verses a spontaneous decision maker makes me feel a little better about my i...

I’ve been discussing “Love Talk” by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. They talk about four areas of our personalities that influence the way we communicate, represented by the acronym, TALQ. The “L” in TALQ stands for loyalty. Loyalty, according to the World English Dictionary, means “a feeling of devotion, duty, or attachment to somebody or something.” People who are loyal find great security in that noble characteristic. Often driven by the fear of sudden change, loyal people don’t like any threat to their fundamental loyalty. They need commitment and stability of what is known to fulfill that underlying need. Loyal people value devotion and like when life is predictable. Change is challenging to them unless presented at a slow pace. Loyal people are usually patient listeners and value strong connections, dependability, and reliability. They have the same close friends for most of their lives. You can count on their support when you need it. Loyal people often stay in an und...

Your personal fear factor determines your talk (TALQ) style, according to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. For example, as I discussed in my last posting, people who fear the loss of time tend to handle problems more with aggression than passivity. They don’t want to waste time. They often take control to make things happen so as not to lose time that is precious to them, causing them to appear as aggressive communicators. The “A” in “TALQ” stands for approval. People who fear the loss of approval will communicate with feelings instead of facts. Facts are black or white and may offend, causing disapproval, while feelings can be controlled to fit each situation. People who fear the loss of approval tend to be passive communicators. Why has our society made this to be a less than favorable method of communicating? The truth is, people who fear the loss of approval face the difficulty of telling the truth. It’s not that they lie, but they tend to “sugar coat” and avoid the harsh rea...

Les and Leslie Parrot discuss in one of their books, “Love Talk”, how personality plays a major role in the way we communicate. If you would like to find out more about their ministry and other books they’ve written, you can visit their website at www.realrelationships.com. You can also take the test to determine your personality type on the site. It costs a small fee, but if you buy the book, it comes with a code for you to take the test free of charge. Rick and I are currently doing their “Love Talk” series in our marriage class. I highly recommend reading the book if you’d like to figure out what makes you and your spouse communicate the way you do. The Parrots break down communication, according to personality, into four areas that influence how we think, react, and communicate. The acronym “TALQ” stands for those areas. T stands for time, A for approval, L for loyalty, and Q for quality. In order to figure out what area you function in, you first determine your persona...

When I think of all the marriage advice and suggestions Rick and I have shared with couples through the years, I realize it all boils down to one simple ingredient. Communication. Without that, everything falls apart. Communication is the glue that will hold a relationship together. For example, finances are the number one cause of marriage problems these days. It is not the actual money (or lack of) bringing the strife, but the improper communication over the situation that may be tearing a couple apart. I started out this blog discussing communication many months ago, but now feel the need to revisit it some more. If you don’t figure out how to communicate correctly with your spouse, you will never know the joyous marriage God intends for you. Our different personalities and different backgrounds influence our communication. If you come from a family that screams at each other, chances are that is how you communicate to your spouse. Or more than likely, one spouse wants to...

Living “unequally yoked” with a non-believer causes great difficulty in any marriage. Being “equally yoked” with a spouse does not always guarantee harmony though. An issue Rick and I see with couples frequently, involves the spouse who professes to be a Christian, goes to church, and appears to be a saint in the eyes of other church members. At home though, they are not walking the walk. They often struggle with drugs, alcohol, addictions, and abuse issues, and may not treat their spouse and family as God intended. Dealing with a spouse who doesn’t apply the truth but acts as though they’ve mastered it can be extremely frustrating and painful. This takes me back, again, to the old problem of SELF. That’s what it’s all about. The Christian spouse not living the Christian life at home is usually absorbed in it. They have not yet allowed God to take control and free them from the bondage of the flesh (SELF) that keeps them from a true relationship with God and their spous...